I overheard a conversation a few days ago where someone was telling the person across from them that he didn’t need certain relationships in his life. He adamantly stated something that sounded like, “You know, you just have to get rid of people that don’t build you up.” I didn’t hear the whole conversation, and I do understand that sometimes people who are always a downer are not good to be around.

However, the snippet of conversation I heard sparked a few thoughts and ultimately prompted me to consider the exact opposite concept. We do need other people in our lives. Just because relationships are messy and people are often challenging, this does not negate our need for community.

It is easy to adopt a negative attitude towards people. People are stupid. People are annoying. Life would be ideal if we could move to a remote island and live without people interrupting our lives. Have you ever heard someone say something like this? Have you ever said it or thought it yourself?

My world perspective is shaped by my faith in God. I believe that God designed us to be part of a community, to live in a family, to have a group of friends, and to be part of a larger group of people at church. Even if you don’t come from the same perspective, science agrees. There are a myriad of studies. For instance, Stanford University and Dr. Emma Seppala are credited with a landmark study that proved that a lack of social connection is more harmful than obesity. This study attributes strong social ties to increased longevity, an improved immune system, a reduction in anxiety and depression, and even the promotion of faster recovery from disease.

But just how easy is it to create a community? In business, we work hard at creating “culture” in our companies. We work to ensure our teams communicate and operate effectively together. We rally people around shared values and a common purpose. With consistency and effort, we hope to forge meaningful relationships with people care about their work and draw energy from one another. Ideally, we foster an energized team that operates with synergy.

Strong social connections are essential to a good life, and it isn’t easy to find in our fast-paced, technology-saturated world. The word “find” is necessary because there is a principle of connecting with people. And yet, if we are looking to find people we naturally connect with, we often skew our relationships to be full of people just like ourselves. This is comfortable, and these relationships are good, but I’ve learned that the people who have helped me to grow are not always just like me. Sometimes, the most valuable relationships come from people who you are thrown together with and didn’t choose. Sometimes, the people you learn to value are the ones who challenge you to be better.

I’m not an expert in relationships or community building. I’m a guy on a path to learning to value people more deeply and to set aside my selfish concerns to take a genuinely interested approach to others. As I work on this, I am learning a few principles to develop stronger relationships.

1. BE ENGAGED. The distractions of our world make genuine relationships difficult. The art of conversation is in decline. The distraction in our minds or that of the media is always there, trying to break our connection with others. I just fell prey to this yesterday.  When I could have been interacting with people, I was on my device. Be radically committed to the person in front of you. Prioritize the people around you.
2. BE INTENTIONAL. We prepare for lots of work things. We prepare so we succeed. We prepare so we don’t look stupid. But how much time do we spend fostering friendships or preparing to deepen our relationships with our families?  What if we spent just a little more time preparing to engage with people outside of work? What kind of relationships would grow?
3. BE UNCOMFORTABLE.  Let’s face it, sometimes social situations are just awkward. Over the years, my teenagers have consistently underlined an interaction that did not go well with an “Aaawkward” and avoided situations like this like the plague!  However, sometimes persisting through what is awkward can bring a new connection.
4. BE PATIENT. This is something I keep reminding myself of.  Sometimes, when you stick around and hang out with people, you get to what is real. You move past the small talk and find out what is going on.  People often share more when you stay and are open to where it takes you.
5. BE VULNERABLE.  This is a hard one because we all know those over-sharers. Nobody wants to be that.  But it really takes some sharing of yourself with others and being transparent to get to something genuine. Trust develops through vulnerability.
6. BE OF SERVICE. Sometimes, service is that common thread. This is even more true for men. Serving a common cause creates a connection. Choosing to serve someone by helping them can break down the wall of resistance and foster meaningful relationships.

Let’s shift our focus from how frustrating people can be to the rewarding experience of truly connecting and helping others.  Taking action and BEing the catalyst for connection will create deeper and more rewarding relationships!  How much more fun can business (and life) be if we connect?

Scott Hirschfeld

Scott Hirschfeld is the President of CTaccess, a Brookfield IT support company that has been helping businesses stop focusing on IT and getting back to doing business since 1990. Under his leadership CTaccess provides the business minded approach of larger IT companies with the personalized touch of the smaller ones. Connect with Scott on LinkedIn.